15 Minutes of Fame

I am very busy today. The big day is here. The head honcho (who is referred to cryptically as “He”) is going to review my project and pronounce judgment on my ability to continue breathing. This is the day when all mortals have to stand up with the floodlight shining into their eyes and declare that all is well in their tiny part of the murky world. Being new to this company, I was briefed by my boss about the etiquette surrounding these Reviews. I am new to this company and must know enough before I can be sent to the meeting at the Pantheon.The new “He” has taken over the reins of our company last month and in no time all old favors and past loyalties were forgotten. Only loyalty to Him was needed. Only “His” wish mattered. I believe my boss once overheard that “He” was in to Golf in a big way. The next day I noticed that a Tiger Woods photo had replaced the mandatory wife and kids’ photo on my boss’ office desk. My boss adjusted his tie and combed his non existent but defiant strands of hair along his bald pate and gave me some last minute tips while I glanced over version twelve of my slides.’Remember, no bad news. Nobody wants to hear that. Bad news of any size has the capacity to throw a spanner into the smooth completion of a Review. He does not like it. It prevents the brisk flow of the meeting. These fifteen minutes may be the most important moments of your career. Dress conservatively. Everything matters. He notices every little thing.’Does He refer to me as a ‘little thing’? I thought to myself. I found no answer.Giving bad news in a Review is like a medical check up. Tell them what they already know and gouge it in technical terms. The doctors must tell the fatso something to the effect of “You must lose some weight!” Not in those words though. As if Fatso never had a chance every day to gawk at his flab while preening his tires that morning. Heck no. That’s what we pay the doctors for. Get them to deliver news that we know anyway. To justify the fat fee, the doctor is then forced to create new jargon that gives everyday wisdom the garb of scientific respectability. He calls the same thing “Kleptoweightomania”. See how good that sounds? It gives the hypochondriacs something to live for.During the Reviews, good news is presented in PowerPoint slides. This was so much better than using those acetates, like I had to in my previous life. One time when the boss wanted me to change my acetate at the last minute, I had to run out and make new ones. I remember that moment. I put the flimsy plastic in to the photo copier and saw what no one should. I saw my acetate melt inside the copier, probably in the heat of the moment, thus destroying the “drum” of the copier that is the life blood of any Review.I knew I had to look for a new job. I had sinned.’We need to replace the drum of the copier.’That statement showed up as a further dent in that company’s balance sheet for the last quarter of the year. So they were a little rude to me.This time I found a job with a Reviews on computer kind of company. This company is so much better. No more acetates. PowerPoint makes all this, a thing of the past. Go for colors slides, sunny boy. Print out a copy of the slides on color paper and put it in a nice binder for “Him”. He likes colorful stuff, I was tipped off.Are we presenting to adults or kids?“He” likes to see hard copies of every presentation. My boss assures me that he will be there in the room with me during my Review. Vicariously speaking, it is his review as well… in a way. I hate that thought. My boss is a short, nervous man who perspires profusely and raises the humidity level during any Review. While I am presenting to “Him”, my boss will keep on winking (to encourage) and shake his head (to discourage) and speak stuff without any audible sounds, to keep me from straying off-topic and revealing my murky secret i.e. Bad News. All this action is done discreetly so that the big boys will not see this pantomime. Thats for my eyes only. I have often wondered why he is more nervous than me during a Review. Perhaps he is more ambitious than me.I am waiting outside The Room waiting for my turn to be called in to present my stuff. My boss emerges from the room. All his actions are faster today. Those gallons of coffee must whir up his actions. Normally he sleeps through all my presentations. But today he is on red alert. He combs his hair, licks his lips and makes a few phone calls, waves at me and gives me the thumbs up sign before running back into his burrow to play with the big boys. From time to time he emerges to throw scoops of ‘inside information’ to better prepare us for that moment. Fifteen minutes before my scheduled time, he emerged and gave me a head up.’He is in a foul mood. He was caught in the traffic jam for 45 minutes today. We have to make up for that lost time. Hurry!! Hurry!’Why do I have to make up for HIS lost time? Strange.Another time my boss emerged from the Sanctum Sanctorum and announced to no one in particular, ‘He loves the SAME chicken sandwiches. I did not know how much we had in common!!’ He was truly excited and grateful to the Lord for giving him a chance to share a gene with the Big Cheese.My boss is a busy man. He is almost as busy and important as “Him”. Representing His wishes and interpreting His unspoken wishes to the ‘little thing’. The door swings open and my boss rushes out and looks in both directions of the hallway as if he is trying to cross the National Highway. He beckons me to go in to for my turn to sit on the electric chair. Boss stops me for some last minute advice on how to survive my fifteen minutes of fame.”They are running behind schedule. Knock off a few slides from your presentation and stick to the main stuff.”I remind him that I have only three slides. The first one reads, “Good Morning”. The last one says, “Thank you”. The good news is sandwiched in between these two slides. Which slide should I remove from His Holiness’ view? My boss snorts at this puzzle. He has an answer for everything.”Actually you can keep all the slides but be brief. Keep the pace brisk.”I am a nervous wreck when I finally see Him. I put on the first slide. He ignores it and just when I am starting to put the solitary slide that details all the good news about my project, He got up to eat a sandwich. My boss was right. He was a man of details. He deliberated briefly and then picked up the second sandwich. Added some ketchup and lots of fried chips (which I am sure his wife would not have approved of) and then noticed that I was waiting patiently for him to turn his attention to my project. He just waved his hand impatiently. My boss interpreted it and rolled up his eyes and said aloud, “Don’t stop! Carry on.” The big guy followed that advice too. He carried on munching on the sandwiches. His back was towards me. I proceeded to the third slide and said, “Thank you” with a flourish as the words appeared in a big whoosh. I had added the sound effect without having my boss approve of it. That did it. He spilled the coffee and gave me a glare as if I was responsible for that. My boss apologized profusely to Him and then shepherded me out of the door.“Excellent”, said He.I did not dare to ask him whether that referred to my presentation or the sandwich.